Burned but not broken

After a wonderful evening last night, I was pretty excited to get to school today. It was my last day as an assistant and I felt like I had a pretty good handle on how to do this one.

Boy was I wrong.

Chef Cottes- one I hadn't had before was our chef today. He walked in to the kitchen in a bad mood and just started yelling. He was very demanding, but kept telling me that I was doing things well. Then it was time to take the puff pastry out of the oven. He started screaming at us and shoving the hot baking sheets at us. I had my towel and thought I was ok until my towel slipped and I started searing my two pointer fingers. I had to continue to burn them as to not drop the tray full of puff pastry (that turned out not to even be mine). I didn't yell, I didn't scream but my fingers were really burned.

I kept on working and tears started falling- I wasn't actually CRYING, but my face was red and my eyes wouldn't stop tearing. I put my fingers under cold water and people started to notice. "YOU"RE CRYING!" Lara said when I looked up at her to ask her something about the albufera sauce we were making. The Chef came over and was talking to us and I just stared down as to not show him that I was hurting. Loredanna next to me said "you're really in pain, you really need to tell him...he'll be nicer to you". I went over to the Chef and told him about my fingers. His response "SO?" then he looked at the one that had already blistered and started to help. He explained that vinegar really takes the sting out of the burn. I thought he'd be nice to me for the rest of the practical.

I was wrong again.

After he saw that my eyes were watery- it was game over. He was ON me the entire rest of class- yelling at me the whole time. "Am I making you cry? are you crying because of me?" I kept telling him no that it wasn't him, it was my fingers but at this point I couldn't really tell. "YOU ARE NOT A MAN" he'd yell to make sure I knew I wasn't being tough. He stood over me and made me plate my food when I knew it was cold. Then he flew off the handle- screaming and making me run around and get pans to heat everything up. It was all theatrics- he was showing off now and everyone was watching.

Now, not only was I trying to stir my sauces with my bad fingers, Chef was screaming at me and everyone was hearing....oh, I was still fighting back tears. I finished- he said it was 'bon' but I was LIVID. I didn't even try my puff pastry- the labor of love that took us the better part of 2 practicals to make, nor did I taste the poached egg, stewed leeks, sauteed bell pepper or 2 kinds of sauces that I made. I threw it out immediately and got to cleaning. This was my last day as an assistant and I needed to at least finish that off well.

I took everything down to the sous-sol and saw Chef Strill who asked me how it went today. I told him that it was a bad day and he saw the vinegar soaked kleenex on my hands. He took a look, told me to go to the pharmacy and get BiaFine and tapped me on the back.

I knew there were going to be days like this- I signed up for it. I knew there were going to be times when I really got my ass kicked, and I wasn't afraid of it...I just didn't realize that Chef Cottes could break me like that. I was a wreck- I was sweating, SO beat red, and broken. I can handle being yelled at. I didn't subject myself to Coach T at Nichols for 4 years if I couldn't handle it. I could handle also being hurt and trying to push through- hell I've got the scars from 7 operations to prove that. I couldn't handle them at the same time I guess- I am really disappointed in myself for allowing him to break me. I'm better than that, I'm tougher than that.

I went down, changed again fighting the tears and went upstairs. Bruna and Lara were waiting for me, but I was so mad I couldn't even chit chat. My fingers were still burning so badly I had them pressed against a diet coke can for some relief. I decided to go to the front desk and have them bandaged. Vincent- the poor guy who had to wrap both of my pointer fingers was a star. He saw that they were really hurting and was super nice to me. A translator also noticed the look on my face and came to check them out "those hurt like a bitch don't they" she said- at least she knew I wasn't being a wimp!

Laura from class stood with me while I got them fixed and Bruna came in to find me as well. Laura is a mom of 3 and just knows. She said the right things, helped me to calm down and then went to pick up her own little girl. I wanted my mom and my blanky.

Bruna didn't leave me- and she listened to me swear the entire metro to my house where I changed so we could salvage a day. We went to lunch with Anthony in Les Halles and went to the most crowded mall ever. I bought a new Bodum mug to carry my tea in the morning to school and we just laughed. It was a good thing that I couldn't call home when I was feeling awful...it would have made me worse.

I came home, watched a little Entourage and went to meet up with Anthony, Zu, JP, Melissa, Mark, and Siham for Senegalese food in the Marais. It was so much fun- we all just had a great time and laughed. It was just what the Dr. ordered! After dinner, we went to a sports bar in the St. Germaine to watch the NFL playoffs. We talked about our favorite movies and laughed again until it was time to go home...

I came home to find such a sweet email from Laura and a note on facebook from Lara. Lara said she was impressed at how I held it together today...that's funny- I thought I completely fell apart! Laura asked how my fingers were. So thoughtful and sweet of both of them! I'm sure there are going to be many more burned fingers, screaming Chefs and tears, I'm just so lucky that I have met great people who are here to help when it happens next.

A Bientot!